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Some call it a gut instinct. Others refer to it as intuition. Or an inner voice. Whatever we call this innate awareness of what is best for us or our authentic self, it is almost unerringly accurate. But only if we are willing to listen to it.
Each of us has a different relationship with the voice of our authentic self. For some, it may be a close and trusting relationship. Others hear their inner voice only when they slow down long enough to pay attention. Many may hardly be aware of its presence and desperately want to hear it but cannot because of the constant chatter and incessant internal dialogue inside their head.
Whenever we don’t listen to our inner voice, we tend to look outside ourselves for guidance, even for our sense of our authentic self, whether consciously or otherwise. We buy things to get the approval of others. We accomplish milestones to get the respect of others. We want to live in certain neighborhoods, drive a certain car, wear specific labels, hang around with certain people, have our children attend prestigious schools, get reservations at the latest “in” restaurants, even do our yoga practice “right” to affirm that we are okay.
We become like gerbils on a never-ending wheel, running as fast as we can to do, have, or be all the proper things so others will approve of us. None of those things are intrinsically wrong or bad, especially if it has meaning to you or brings you pleasure.
Yet trying to keep up automatically puts us behind each time you pursue things outside of yourself that you feel tells you are valuable. you need to take a step back to decide if these things truly matter to you.
Anytime you are crafting your life to get the approval or validation of others, you will find yourself in trouble. It is simply unsustainable. Lily Tomlin famously said, “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” It is a setup for disappointment, exhaustion, and the endless feeling that you are never quite enough.
And I can promise you something: Even if you get all the things that you thought you wanted, one day, something will cause you to stop running. You will look at all the things you thought defined you and ask, “What was I running after?” “Why is my life filled with all these things that I don’t even care about?” It is a shocking and disturbing moment to discover you have spent your entire life chasing things that ultimately did not make you happy
How to Remind You of Your Authentic Self
Living a life of integrity—what I define as living in alignment with our deepest truths and grandest desires—means you step out of the rat race. You stop turning to others to know what you want.
To experience life with integrity means that you must learn to trust that you are the one with all the answers. Instead of looking to the external world for truth, we need to make a U-turn back to ourselves, learn to go inward, and discover the voice that has been there all along. I call this the process of self-referral. It is a way of continually looking to yourself instead of the outer world for approval, answers, and guidance.
Self-referral brings you back to you. It empowers you. Deepak Chopra said, “It is an internal way of being that is not dependent on external circumstances.” You clear away the voices of society, friends, and family and determine what you like, what you care about, and what your priorities are in this lifetime. This allows you to access an authentic reference point that is unique to you. This is your touchstone, your true essence, the part of you that knows what is best. It is the part of you not obscured by all the “should haves” you may tell yourself.
Although many teachers advocate learning to go inside, it can be tricky. Our reference point gets clouded and confused by the voices of others. We have spent so much time being directed from outside that sometimes even when we think we are being guided by our authentic self, it is actually the voice or desire of others. We have been living in accordance with that voice for so long that we think it is our own.
I’m not saying that living a life of integrity means you shirk responsibility. Sure, there are things in this life that you should do. You can’t avoid them. But you can also try not to lose touch with the fact that you are the co-creator of your life. You are not a helpless victim. At any time, you can check in and make sure what you are pursuing is what you truly want. And if it is not, you can always change that. Starting with your next decision.
The greater the force on the other side trying to influence your decision, the more challenging it feels to make that U-turn back to yourself. But when you can stand up to a parent or boss or lover and stay firm in what you know, you become even more certain, self-reliant, and self-referred.
10 Things to Ask About Your Authentic Self
Consider the following questions:
1. Do you try to get people to perceive you in a certain way?
2. When you get an idea about how to improve some aspect of your life, are you more apt to start polling people for opinions rather than just go with it?
3. Do you often say yes when you’d rather say no?
4. Is your home more of a reflection of someone else’s design ideas rather than a reflection of your personality?
5. Does guilt often affect your decision-making process?
6. Do you tend to define yourself in context to your relationship to someone else (I am X’s wife, Y’s best friend, Z’s business partner)?
7. When making plans with your friends, is your first reaction to say, “I don’t care what we do,” or “You decide,” or “Whatever you want”?
8. Do you tend to avoid expressing your needs and wants to your loved ones?
9. When you’ve been working long hours and juggling multiple responsibilities, are you inclined to drink caffeine instead of taking a break?
10. In your family of origin, do you still tend to play the role you did when you were young because it is expected?
The more questions you answered yes, the more you may want to become curious about why you make these decisions and how you can start to be more true to yourself.
You are the only expert on you. Explore ways to quiet the noise, whether yoga or meditation or hiking or dancing. Be curious about what you want. Be curious about what holds you back. When you start asking questions without forcing an immediate answer, you’ll likely start to discover the voice you’ve silenced. Those answers and emotions can guide you back into your authenticity, your integrity, and yourself.
This article has been updated. Originally published October 31, 2017.
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About Our Contributor
Kelley Kosow is a Master Integrative Coach, program and workshop leader, and CEO of The Ford Institute, a personal development organization that has helped tens of thousands worldwide. She is the author of The Integrity Advantage: Step into Your Truth, Love Your Life, and Claim Your Magnificence (Sounds True, November 2017). For more, visit kelleykosow.com or connect with her on Facebook or Instagram.
